Notes, Understanding and Pain
by literallycrazynerd
Summary: this is by no means fluffy at all. It's very sad and has references to suicide and cutting. This is by no means cool in real life. There is death in this story and its just a ONE SHOT for now.


**AUTHORS NOTE: SUICIDE AND CUTTING IS NOT COOL. THIS IS A ONE SHOT BUT MAY EVENTUALLY BECOME A PROPER STORY. IT IS SAD AND YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT BUT DO NOT CUT YOURSELF OR CONSIDER SUICIDE. TALK TO A FRIEND OR AN ADULT ABOUT WHAT YOU NEED. ALSO IS THERE FOR YOU TOO. ANYWAY ENJOY THIS IN NO WAY FLUFFY STORY.**

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I finish my lunch at a table all alone. Tori hasn't spoken to me since I went behind her back to pair with Marcus. She was a motherly figure to me and now she can't bear to look at me. It's enough to send someone insane especially with everything else that's been happening. Christina and Uriah backed off from me about a month ago. I know it's because they don't want to see the face of the cowardly stiff that let their loved ones die. They both say that they don't blame me but I know they really do. Zeke and Shauna stopped talking to me after that. That's because I'm divergent and I couldn't help but get my mitts caught up in Lynn's death and Shauna's now irreversible injury. It gets difficult and it doesn't stop there. My parents are dead; Caleb was tried and hung on the spot.

Tobias has been backing away from me for two weeks now. He's been working late and leaving early in the mornings not coming to see me at lunch either. I don't think he has actually spoken to me for a week now. I'm so alone. I'm a monster; I'm so broken no body wants me. It hurts to know that no one wants to talk to you and that no one wants to be anywhere near you.

I pack my plate away and head back to finish my shift at the tattoo parlour. _The last one_, I think. Bud welcomes me and I get to work doing some tattoos. A variety of different tattoo ideas are presented to me during this shift. The final tattoo that I will ever do is as meaningful as what I am going to do. It was a red dove with three numbers underneath.

On my way back to our apartment I bump into Tobias. He says the first thing he has said to me in weeks. "Hey babe, meet me in ten minutes at the chasm. I want to talk to you." I agree and instead of heading towards our apartment I head toward the chasm, excited about the fact that Tobias wants to talk to me. I wait 15 minutes that slowly drifts into half an hour that eventually drifts into one hour. After an hour and a half I've had enough and it's just the last straw.

I sprint back to the apartment and barge in and I write a note addressed to Tobias. I fold the letter up and place it on the bed next to a withered rose from a vase. I then lock myself in the cleaning closet with a giant glass of water a deluxe bottle of pills and a bread knife. I pour a handful of pills into my hand and swallow them with a gulp of water. With that my eyes start to tear and I rip the knife across my wrist, deep enough to cut hard and for it to start to bleed heavily.

I grab another handful and dry swallow them this time, then take a big gulp of water. I grab the knife again and make an incision on the opposite wrist exactly the same as the first. I continue to swallow pills until my vision starts to get cloudy and I stop there. My wrists are throbbing painfully and my vision starts to go black when I feel someone pounding on the closet door.

Tobias POV

Tris has needed more and more space recently. She's been spending less time with people and less and less time eating. I started pulling away about two weeks ago when I realised nothing I could do would help her. It was perfect timing too, but I saw her today. I stopped her and told her to meet me at the chasm in 15 minutes. She agreed and looked happier than I've seen her in a long time. I pull the ring that I've been hiding out of my pocket and look at it carefully. Engraved sweetly on the inside is a simple equation that symbolises the best of our times, 4+6=10.

On my way to meet Tris I get a message from Harrison, he needs me to meet with him for an urgent meeting. I walk grumpily to the control room and there I'm confronted by my abusive father and my run-away mother. "I thought we might be able to find you here Tobias. We wanted to tell you that you are sitting here wasting your life away when you could be with your family. Also you really need to get rid of that skimpy little excuse for a girlfriend that you have." My mother says to me. " I will not get rid of Tris Evelyn, she is my family now. The only person I have left." I say and she looks as if I've just slapped her in the face.

"Tobias, listen to us. She is nothing but trouble. Come live with your mother and I again." my father says. "Um, no. I'm not leaving my girlfriend to come and live with my abusive father and the run-away person I am forced to call my mother. Okay? This decision is final." They both look at me as if I've just spilled all of their secrets and that I had killed their parents. Tori and Harrison, who also happened to be in the room just look at me as if the pink elephant that had always been in the room had finally been excused. I excuse my parents then decide to yell at Harrison for a while about why he even let them into the compound. About an hour later I remember that I was going to meet Tris and I explain to Tori and Harrison what I was going to do. I'm pulled out of my story by a ferocious knocking on the door of the room.

I open it and a tired but extremely worried Uriah looks back at me and in an instant I am following him down the hall to my apartment. I find Christina already there banging on the door of the cleaning closet trying to will Tris to come out. I see the note and the flower on the bed and quickly grab a screwdriver and unhook the door of its hinges and pull it to the ground.

I see Tris on the floor next to a bread knife, a glass of water and a gigantic bottle of pills. She looks as if she is about to fall unconscious. Her wrists are bleeding heavily and her pupils are dilated. As I look at her a small sob escapes my mouth. I can hear Uriah and Christina behind me crying too and Tori and Harrison followed by Shauna barging into the room. As Tris slumps forward I pick her up and run as fast as I possibly can to the infirmary where Zeke is already standing next to a bed and screaming at me telling me to put her on the bed.

I place her down and the second I lay her on the bed her body starts to twitch and jerk so her arms and legs are twitching at weird angles. They wheel the bed away from me and as they do I scream out and fall to my knees pleading for her to be okay. Only Shauna handing me the note that was on the bed, the one that I forgot to read, pulls me back to reality.

I thank her gratefully and rip the note open and read what it says.

_Dear Tobias,_

_I'm sorry but I can't hold onto anything anymore. It's obvious that you've either found somebody else or that you don't want me anymore. You're never around anymore. I guess you felt the same as Caleb; you dismissed me to impress another._

_Christina and Uriah have been pulling away from me for quite a while now and I know exactly why. They can't get over the fact that I killed their loved ones. I killed Will, I let Marlene fall, I didn't forgive Al and I couldn't save Lynn. It's the same with Zeke and Shauna except I know that Shauna is afraid of my divergence. _

_Tori has not spoken to me since I 'betrayed' Dauntless. It hurts really bad, I always considered her a mother especially when I didn't have one to help me with what I needed help with. It's fair enough though, I'm not the person anyone would want to have as a daughter, girlfriend, friend or sister. _

_Finally my parents left me. They died trying to save me; well they died trying to get everyone to know the truth. I can't live with the burden of their lives on me. I'm sorry but it hurts to know that no one that you love wants to talk to you let alone look at you._

_I'm sorry,_

_Tris_

Once I've read the note I hand it to Tori who then hands it to Uriah and Christina, which is finally read by Zeke and Shauna. By the time everyone has read the note they are all crying and the doctor comes out to ask exactly what happened. Harrison explains the best he can with the rest of us sobbing in the background. We show him the note and he tells us that she is in a stable condition for now and that two people can see her at a time.

Everyone looks at me expectantly but I shake my head and say that I would like to go last and by myself. Therefore Tori and Chris go in and ten minutes later come out crying harder than they were before. Uriah and Zeke get up quickly and go straight into Tris. They also come out sadder looking than they did before.

Finally Harrison and Shauna go in and Shauna comes out looking hard and fake and Harrison looks old and weary.

Once again everyone's eyes watch me as I go down the corridor. I reach the door and know exactly what I must do. Tris is lying on the bed with IV tubes hooked up to almost every part of her. She looks at me and her face darkens. "I'm sorry Tobias, I was just." I stop her from talking by placing my lips gently against hers. "I'm the one who's sorry, but while I'm here I have a very important question to ask you Tris," I get down on one knee and her face lights up when she see's me pull a ring out of my pocket.

"Beatrice Prior. I have loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you. There have been times where you have scared me to hell but I will always love you. Will you marry me?" I say the rehearsed line out loud and she squeals in delight before saying yes. I give her a deep kiss on the lips and place the ring on her finger. I pull away and at that instant she has another seizure. I start to cry for a doctor and they come in with a defribullator and usher me out. I scream outside the door and claw at the door.

Zeke comes and pulls me back into the waiting area where I wait for what seems like hours for Tris. Everyone looks terrible and no one wants to even say anything anymore.

Half an hour later the doctor walks back out with a grim look on his face. He slowly shakes his head and that's all I need. I sprint towards the chasm not wanting to live without _my_ Tris. I hear voices screaming behind me but there is only one voice that I can hear and sadly it's in my head. "Tobias, don't jump. You have your whole life ahead of you. Just think, at least you didn't kill me."

"BUT I DID" I scream and I climb off the railings.

I fall to the floor and wale until there are no more tears that I can possibly shed. I cry all the way through the ceremony that they create the next day and then my attitude changes to something more, angry and intimidating than Four will ever be.

My life changed forever.


End file.
